The BFF Curse

“Do you have a friend for life?” 

Or as we say—someone you’d call a ‘BFF’? 

We all have different takes on what it means, but chances are this topic has come up with people around you.

That question always felt like someone was really asking, "Do you see me as a lifelong friend?” And I was afraid to answer. As I grew older, I realized it’s the kind of question you don’t actually have to answer.

Why? Because the truth is, as beautiful as meeting someone can be, life always moves us apart from others, too. Friendships come in waves. Over time, most of us quietly learn that they don’t always last forever.

My friendships have shifted many times—when I went to a different high school than my friends, moved to Tokyo, took a break from work, got married, or relocated to the countryside. It surprised me how often friendships would fade, come back, and shift around in my mind.

If you’ve ever been part of a friend group of three or more, you probably know the feeling. No one says anything outright, but sometimes you can tell the vibe’s a little off. Still, give it some time, and somehow you’re back to laughing together like nothing ever happened. That’s exactly what I mean.

Now that I’m five years into my career and heading into my thirties, a certain topic has come up around me recently. 

“In my friend group, I’m the only one who’s not married, and I don’t even have a boyfriend — so I can’t really relate to the conversations anymore. I feel guilty about being unmarried, even though I’m not unhappy. Still, every time we meet, it’s hard for me to listen.”

I respected her for keeping those feelings without letting them explode. 

She continued,

“These friends I met after starting work are really important to me—we’re even close enough to travel together. That’s why I don’t want to push them away just because of how I’m feeling right now. But it’s hard. What should I do?”

That’s when I thought—she was cursed by the ‘BFF’. 

Women from my generation who grew up in Japan might remember those stationery sets—decorated with drawings of middle and high school girls and paired with poems about friendship or love. If you grew up during the era when swapping profile notebooks was popular, there’s a good chance you’ve seen them.

Those poems were full of words like ‘BFF’ and ‘shinyuu (soul friend)’.

These words carry a weight even heavier than ’BFF’.

Personally, I feel they’re almost like a curse—words that tie you down.

When she shared her feelings about being surrounded by married friends to us, others advised her, 

“Just let them say what they want—or don’t meet up at all.”

“Don’t overthink those fleeting feelings—if you don’t want to see them, then don’t.”

That might be true, but for her, it’s not that simple—and I get why. She’s felt that line being drawn between herself and others countless times. And I don’t think she wants to be the one drawing that line with others.

To be freed from the curse, she needs to accept that friendships have their ups and downs—and that no one stays your ‘BFF’ forever. It’s also helpful to remember that stepping back isn’t the only way to cope.

No one can truly see your feelings, and most people aren’t as concerned about them as you might think. No matter how close you are, there will always be moments when you don’t quite see eye to eye or need some space.

Try asking your family or people older than you. I don’t think many have had a ‘BFF’ with a relationship that stayed exactly the same over time. Those who’ve lived longer might say, “If someone drifts away and you stop seeing each other, that’s just how it goes—and that’s okay. If they were an important friend back then, and you have good memories, that’s enough.”

Just like a first love is often remembered as a special, beautiful memory, friendships from each stage of life have their own timing. No matter how uncertain or temporary the ending, it would be nice to cherish those memories as something beautiful within us.

Sometimes, after years apart, either you or your friend might reach out, and you’ll meet again. Maybe your lives have come back into sync, or you’ve both grown to respect each other’s journeys. Or maybe you don’t need to overthink it—just be glad for that moment. It’s a beautiful thing when a friendship with the same person evolves into something new.

I too went through similar struggles as an adult.

So, I decided to just wait—and I’m glad I did.

At some point, I was able to quietly tuck those memories away, keeping them beautiful just as they were. Maybe, simply put, I just stopped caring so much.

Still, there are moments when I think of friends I haven’t seen in a long time, and a wave of loss or loneliness washes over me. Now, I understand those feelings are just as much a part of friendship as the good times.

After riding those waves of emotion and simply waiting, some friendships found their way back. I reconnected with a close friend who once said our worlds had drifted apart—we met again after five years. Friends I’d grown distant from over topics like marriage—especially sensitive for many women in their twenties—also naturally returned to my life with time. At the same time, there are those I was once close to but, for no particular reason, no longer feel the need to meet.

Honestly, that’s how it is for most of us. Then one day, I realized something.

The curse of the ‘BFF’ isn’t really a curse from our friends.

It’s a curse we place on ourselves—a fear of the loneliness that comes when boundaries are set and relationships shift.

It’s our own self-imposed spell to avoid facing that sadness again.

The truth is, no one’s going to say, “Promise you’ll meet me every month for the rest of your life.” And no adult really says, “We’ll always be ‘soul friends,’” either.

As adults, we end up placing a kind of curse on our old friendships because we’re afraid of losing friends—even though deep down, we all know that people come and go.

So maybe, just wait until it’s time to say goodbye.

People get on and off the train of your life—new passengers come aboard, some leave, and some who once got off might hop back on again.

Be yourself, honor your feelings, and keep your train moving forward.
As you keep going, there might be some people who stay with you until your train finally comes to a stop.

No one can live entirely alone, but we all live alongside many different people.

To live well with others, you need to be the main character of your own life—because no one else can steer your train for you.

You don’t have to be tied down by the idea of a ‘BFF’ to find friends. Friends will come into your life, you’ll cross paths again someday, and some will become cherished memories.

Chances are, we’ve had more friends than we ever realized.